These quotes are from Brainy Quotes.

“What’s another word for Thesaurus?”

“Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.”

“I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”

“If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?”

“If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?”

“If God dropped acid, would he see people?”

“If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?”

“Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it.”

“How young can you die of old age?”

“When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?'”