I was trying to think of the good things I did as a mother and I came up with a long list, but I didn’t believe they’re good because I did them. If someone else did what I did I would find them impressive. Now I know that sounds irrational, but that is how mind works these days. I’m shocked and sad because I know I don’t see myself as I am, and it’s going to take a lot of work to change the way I think. It feels like I’m trying to pull a huge three hundred old tree out by the roots.

These days I’m working with the smallest kid parts of myself and I don’t feel loved or wanted by anyone or anything. I wish I had never been born.

It hurts to see, to understand how much pain I am in.