Trigger Warning

June 18. 2013

Virulent fear,

I loathe you with such intensity, I could gleefully kill you with my bare hands.

You were passed down to me from violent, cruel parents whose bodies and minds overflowed with your poison. Mom and Dad infused my heart and soul with their fear and I’ve struggled with your destructiveness for over fifty years.

It started at birth. Mom stuffed my face and tongue in her vagina and Dad forced his penis down my throat. Then they kept me isolated from other people because, they said, I “was a monster with skinny legs, who looked like Red Skelton and in love with Barney Fife.” Mom and Dad told me I “was bad, and contaminated and deserved every bad think they did.”

Since I was an innocent child and had no other input or information, I believed everything they said. So, you spread inside my mind and body too and made my life a living hell.

When I went to kindergarten, I stayed all night afraid that no one would like me. When Mom’s boyfriend put LSD in my food or drink, I ended up in the hospital afraid to touch the babies in my room because I didn’t I didn’t want to poison them with my filth. When someone would verbally attack, I was too afraid to stand up for myself. It’s scary to write this because someone will think I’m crazy, weird, weak, stupid, and so on, and so forth.

Fear, you’re a virus, a cancer trying to take over my body and soul, until I’m totally consumed, until you are me and I am you.

The fact is I am me and you’re an infection.  I’ll kill you with love, courage, perseverance, and prayer. You see, now I can see how you work.

Every time I have a thought, any thought, you try to make me think something horrible or negative will happen. For example, if my husband or son are driving, they will get into a terrible accident or maybe at work they will lose a limb, or maybe they’ll stop loving me. If I pick up a container of eggs I will drop them, if I try anything new I will fail. People will think I’m stupid, because I am stupid.

I know what you’re doing and you know that I know what you’re doing. I tell you there’s no hope for you. The knowledge I have now will act as an antibiotic. No doubt you’ll try to build up a resistance to my strategies, but I’ll learn new strategies until you’re completely under control.

It’s over loser.