I haven’t been posting because my older sister is in late stage cancer and I am trying to process, grieve, think about, and feel, mostly feel my feelings. I think I think too much; I just need to feel sometimes. Then again, I need to think when I finish feeling my feelings. You see? I do think too damn much.

I do know  this grief is mostly about me and how I feel.

In the last 15 years, there has been a somewhat estrangement between my sister S and I, because of her denial of the abuse. Then I came to the conclusion that S was handling the horrible memories the best she could. Those memories almost literally killed me.

S’s cancer pulled me out of some of the abuse memories. I started thinking more about what she meant to my life and how without her I wouldn’t be the person that I am today.

She has made me see people should not defined by one choice, one act of their lives. Once again S is helping me to grow up.

I love that woman. Always did.