I’ve lost relationships. Everything has changed and I think it’s for the best. Sometimes I ask why did it have to be this way? It’s the choices made by my parents and their parent’s, and their parents.

I found a blurb in a newspaper on the internet about my father’s death. He burned alive when he tried to start a fire with gasoline in a newly abandoned house. For 25 years my mother lied about how he died. She told us he died of pneumonia. My brother found out about him when he did some research on our family 15 years ago. I confronted my mother on the phone. I asked her why she had lied.

Her answer was, “Who the hell do you think you are bitch?”

I said, His daughter.”

She hung up on me.

Adult Parts and Child Parts are thankful he’s dead, but the Kid Parts feel grief and sadness. Adult Parts feel a little sad too. I remember my father as violent, evil, sick beyond belief. He truly deserved to burn. Could he have been something different? Like me. I carry his DNA. He died a horrible death but he was my father, the father I and my son closely resemble. People can see we are related to him.

Also, my relationship with my younger sister has changed. When we were younger, we talked every week. Now we don’t, we can’t. She upsets me, I upset her; we went in different directions, and the relationship can never be the same. So I have to accept it and not hope for something that can never be.

When I began to feel sad I didn’t know why. I’m still somewhat removed from myself, only this time I figured it out in half a day rather than 10 years.