I haven’t been writing lately because so much has happened dissociatively. Is that a new word? I never used it before.

As you may know, my teenage parts merged with adult parts and I feel the same as when Michael grew up; it was and is a devastating unexpected loss. I lost my girls. They went back to the past where they belong  and yet I still talk to my teenage selves, teenage parts that no longer exist.  Now their just a corrected and wonderful memory as they should be. Yes, it’s as it should be.

I had no idea I was such a lovely, intelligent teenager.  I thought I was an ugly freak like my abusers and everyone else told me. I thought I was a stupid crazy social misfit who couldn’t dance and therefore mostly attracted people who wanted to use and hurt me.

This is terrifying and very, very difficult. Now I’m getting my some of my worse memories from younger children and toddler parts. Sometimes my mind is on pause.  I’m tired and spacey because of the constant switching.  And I know the other kid parts are going to get better, be a joy, then go back to the distant past and break my heart again.

I won’t be able to talk to myself anymore. This is a new way of thinking. I’m not sure if I’ll like it.

Oh and yes I am healing. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yes.