TRIGGERS!!!   TRIGGERS!!!  TRIGGERS!!!

Don’t ever think you’re the only who has been around extremely violent, vicious creatures.

My father died 41 years ago.

I was on Facebook looking up some of my father’s family and I came across a cousin that looked like him.  I totally freaked out, started crying and shaking.   You see, my father was evil and violent.  He was a sociopath who tortured, terrorized, and raped children.  He made my life a real living hell.

My father did so many terrible things.  I don’t want to put all of it in this post or on this blog.  It’s too much for everyone to hear.   In a way,  it was easier when I thought it was my fault and and being punished for some hidden flaw or forgotten mistake. It’s scary to clearly see and throughly understand the amount of real danger I was in as a baby, a toddler and as a little girl in kindergarten.

Dad forced me into an army foot locker and left me there for hours.

Dad forced my head in the toilet after he shit.

Dad almost killed me by smothering.  He kept a pillow over my head until I was almost dead and ready to move on, he pulled the pillow off.  I think he smothered me to scare and terrorize me.  It worked.

Dad killed a man who owed him money and a woman he was having sex with in front of my sister and I.

Dad took my sister and I to a funeral home and made us touch dead bodies.

Dad’s family knew some of the terrible things he did and they covered it up.  His family told my sister and I never to tell anyone.

That’s why I lose it when I see a family member who looks like him.  My common sense tells me everyone in that family is not sick and twisted, but most of the time when I talk to one I get a bad feeling.  My  danger radar starts going off.

I thought I wasn’t as scared as I was in the past but just seeing someone who looks like him makes me ready to piss my pants.  That dark hateful creature put a lot of fear in me.  I hope I’m able to overcome it one day.

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