At least with this particular part.  Keep in mind that every dissociative  system is as individual as each person on the earth.  We are the same and different.  Is that a paradox?

According to Wikipedia a paradox is a seemingly true statement or group of statements that lead to a contradiction or a situation which seems to defy logic or intuition.  I don’t know.  There is a song by Keb’Mo named “There’s More Than one Way Home.”  Ya’ll know I’m going to find the video on Youtube and put it at the end of the post!  What I’m trying to say is that as humans our minds work differently and the same and it’s supposed to be that way.

Anyway, I really like my kidparts and they like me but because I am an adult they don’t fully trust me.  At one point I decided I would never trust anyone again in my life.  Almost all the adults in my small controlled universe were abusive.  So even though my kidparts like my adultparts they are still wary.  I feel kind of dizzy writing this.

My kidparts are very, very smart about the subject of their selves.  One of the questions that was put to me was, “If you like me so much why do you keep yourself apart from me?”  I communicate with kidparts all the time, but I knew what they meant. And they knew I knew.  Yes I talk to myself and it helps.

This question wasn’t conveyed to me through the english language.  I think it was images of some sort. The question made me realize that I the adult part didn’t fully accept the abuse the kidpart of me went through although the abuse happened to me.  Read that again.  I knew/know it intellectually but not emotionally and other ways that I can’t define right now.

I started to think about what happened in that particular abuse.  It was brutal and nonsensical.  I felt degraded, it hurt and broke my heart.  Notice I said “I.”  Once I started thinking of the experience as real, true, and that it happened to me, not a kidpart of me, the wall between the parts dissolved and the memory became a part of my adult consciousness.

It was hard getting here.  And that’s just one kidpart.  There are many more.  I have had to accept the fact that I was young and innocent and had no way to protect myself.  That people do acts of evil monsters eagerly and with no regrets.  That it hurt and hurts.  That time has gone by and now there is access to safety and caring adults.  That I was horribly lied to about who I was.  That everyone does not abuse but some people do; this is so hard for small children to understand.  Or that people hurt others for their own reasons and never admit to it.  That the world is beautiful and interesting.  That I did it!  I outlived  and outwitted my abusers.  And I keep pushing on.