I was talking to someone  the other day about my sister with cancer and how it hurts that she won’t share her struggles with her family and the other party said that it may be easier for her to handle her own problems and I thought that is exactly what I usually do because I don’t want all the resentment and pain from the past to come in and smother me when I am trying to survive the current difficulties in my life. 

Then this morning I was watching A Fist Full of Dollars.  It is a Clint Eastwood movie.  I don’t usually watch those kind of westerns but I was drawn by the desolation and the greys and whites and how the people had seen so much death and destruction that they did not have the strength to fight anymore. Their town was taken over by disgusting scumbag gangsters,  murderers,  rapists,  and the lowest kind of human/people factions.  It reminded me of my birth parents and how they tried to steal all the color and hope out of their children’s lives and how we who are now adults are still struggling with all the horrible crimes they committed and how it affects our relationships with each other. 

Then I thought about the times when I avoid my family and it is because I don’t want them to show me any of that bleak, sad colorless life or deal with the factions we break into in order to survive pain. Though, I worry that the younger children don’t understand what is going on, I really understand where my sister is coming from. So I will follow her lead and let her tell what she feels comfortable with telling.

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