I should not be surprised that it is so difficult to undo the programming that was put in my brain as a child, but it is.  I was brainwashed into believing I was worthless.  I believed all the lies I was told by my parents since I had nothing to compare the falsehoods to.  And now I do, but I still struggle with accepting  a realistic, honest concept of myself.  It takes a lot of energy to push the lies away and replace them with truth.  Somedays it is all I can do to take care of myself the way I need to be cared for.  It uses up all of my strength.  I’m pushing on, but I have to use up a lot of my brain power.  I can see it’s what I need to be doing right now.   So I will.

There are some days when I am in the darkest of misery.  You see, I had to endure being passed around to men and women my parents had sold me to as a child prostitute.  What happened to me I could not feel the full horror of as a child. That is how I became dissociative.  I am feeling it now.  I was repeatedly sodomized and had to do oral sex on men and women.  Some of them were unwashed and drunk, while others were very organized.  I think it is very hard for some people to read this, but this is what happens to children.  Why do you think there is so much child pornography on the web and in the world?  Where do you think the children come from?  It helps me to write about it.

And where do you think the abusers come from?  They are our fathers and mothers and brothers and sisters and friends and relatives and neighbors.  We are the monsters; human beings are doing these horrible things to each other.  I was sold by my own mother.  Remember she carried me in her own body.  She was a woman not so different from others.  And so we all seem to know that evil is a part of what we are.  People need to acknowledge these sickening truths.  I have to.

Advertisements