It has only been in the last three years that I understood that the fear and self hate that I felt some days, like today, was what I felt when I was being abused and did not have the opportunity to feel while I was trying to survive. Now when I feel it, I am trying to sit with it and not try to run away from it. It is so hard to admit how I was used, and that I had no one to help me but myself. In the present I have been calling myself the names the abusers called me which are all profanity and I don’t want to repeat. Keep in mind they were speaking to a three year old. I was totally brainwashed and believed every terrible lie they told me about myself. At least now I can talk to myself and understand why I am thinking and feeling so depressed and sad. It took a lot of hard work for me to get to this point. It has felt like I was climbing Mt. Everest on my knees with no equipment.
Pain From the Past in the Present
December 30, 2009