August 25, 2015
African American, black, dark, darkness, death, fear, feelings, grief, harm, hate, haunt, horrible, insanity, murder, perverted, racism, sad, scary, sick, time, trigger, truth, ugly, white anniversary, Emmitt Till Leave a comment
August 23, 2015
August 21, 2015
August 21, 2015
birthday, black, books, children, courage, Dissociative Identity Disorder, fake, family, grandmother, husband, Life, Michael, Owen, racism, see, self awareness, switch, tired, white dentist, mother-in-law, sharp instruments, teeth Leave a comment
Now, that not nice.
Despite the shiny pointy instruments, the noises and smells, I got through the visit to the dentist. There’s a new young attractive dentist, and new hygienists. No one talked down to me. No Cavities!
Now. Tomorrow I spend a day with my mother-in-law. It’s her 75 th birthday party.
Until last year, this woman hadn’t spoke to me or Michael for over ten years. Then at Owen’s father’s funeral last year, she started saying she loved me. Seriously. The woman has lost her mind. Maybe she’s on new meds; I certainly know how that is. Our relationship is rather formal, uncomfortable, awkward. She’s nice. I’m nice. I think it’s good to think positive thoughts. I always take a book with me.
Owen and Michael are forgiving because she lost her life partner of 53 years. Michael and Owen are kind people. Me? I don’t want to be bothered. It was pleasant not to be around Owen’s family. Being dissociative, I shouldn’t be around people like them.
I’ve never been accepted into that family and now I don’t want to be. They don’t accept me because I’m black and Owen is white. We’ve been married over 30 years.
My plan is to smile, eat, and slip quietly into our truck with a book. Maybe me and Owen’s gay niece can hang out together.
I’ll let you know what happened.
August 20, 2015
I have to go to the Dentist and I’m shaky and scared. I do want to hold onto my teeth as long as possible so I need to go. I know I need to go and I know there will be some switching going on.
Those instruments are scary, and the hygienists are mean to me sometimes. It’s hard to stand up for myself because I’m thinking and reacting to them as if I’m an abused child. I need to change dentists, but I get tired of it. Every time I find a good dentist they stop accepting our insurance and then I have to find another one.
Today, I plan to put the hygienist in her place if she starts telling me I need to take better of care of my teeth in a condescending way. I’ll let you know how it went.