November 4, 2011
*Trigger Warning* Call Me Forest Green
I decided I wanted to write something and Radicalhope wants to hear what I have to say. I am a part of her just in case you were wondering. What I want to write about is how much I hate exercise and doing laundry. How come two people have so much to wash? Exercise is a trigger to me. That man that was supposed to be a dad but turned out to be a disgusting coward who like to beat up little kids and I had to write tights that itched and now when I exercise it feels like I am back with him again. I get scared and worried and sweaty. It’s hard to remember he is not there anymore. I type faster than Radical, ha! FG
October 17, 2011
A Picture Of An Abuser *TRIGGERS*
*TRIGGERS*
Today I am taking it easy because yesterday I had a sort of a jolt.
I was gathering up baby pictures of my son yesterday to show to his friend and I found a picture of my birth mother in the bottom of the cabinet. I had forgotten that the picture was there. I stared at the picture for a few long minutes. What I was looking at was a picture of an ordinary looking woman whose hate-filled voice I constantly hear in my mind calling me slut, whore, bitch, worthless, etc. On the surface it does not seem the picture and the abuse would be connected but they are.
There are no pictures of me as a baby except those taken by a child pornographer sanctioned by the normal looking woman in the picture.
May 8, 2011
Trigger. *trigger*
Triggers have always been a mystery to me. Most of the time I can’t figure out what is going on with my mind, but this time I did. I watched a Margaret Rutherford/ Miss Marple movie from the early 1960′s. Some characters were fake stabbing one another at a theatre rehearsal. Now, I should have known better, but I thought I could handle it. I couldn’t and I am having a very very difficult day re-living horrors from the past.
What I do. *trigger*
This is what I do when I am low, miserable, feel like dying, and blame myself for blaming myself.
Somewhere in the bottom of my mind is an idea that what I am thinking may not be true.
I am mostly thinking that I am worthless; a mistake that should have miscarried, been aborted or at least killed as a small child as some innocent children are.
Whose beliefs are they? Hmmm, it would take too much energy to think about that.
So I burn some musk or lavender or sandalwood incense, put on some soothing positive music, organize or read or create something.
Keep it all to myself because no one believes or understands.
And hope it works this time.
October 28, 2010
Frozen In Fear Again….
I am terrified and can barely function. I feel like I am trying to walk through frozen slush. The only difference between this time and the thousands of other times I have felt this is that I am aware, but still am finding it difficulty.
It is embarrassing for me to tell other people what I am feeling because I know it does not make sense in the present time. My neighbor is getting her roof worked on and the workers scare me because it feels like they are standing over me and judging me, very much like my abusers.
I did manage to drink some green tea and burn some incense which is usually calming for me. Hopefully, I will be able to take a shower and play some music. I don’t like reacting or feeling like I am today.
