November 6, 2011
A Tough Few Days
Lately, some of my kidparts have been coming to the present which is good because I have trying to make this happen, but at the same time I am in so much pain and have a lot of rage and anger, which cannot be helped because what happened to me was scary and horrible, but its hard.
I am depressed and I know it but I don’t know what to do about it. Usually if I go for a walk or book search and listen to music I feel better, but it’s not working this time. Last night I went and saw Sweet Honey in the Rock and they were wonderful. I didn’t want to go because I was feeling so low. Even after seeing those fabulous uplifting women perform I still felt down. Today I am going to spend the day burning lavender incense in bed reading and sleeping. If I don’t feel better tomorrow I’ll call my therapist.
November 4, 2011
*Trigger Warning* Call Me Forest Green
I decided I wanted to write something and Radicalhope wants to hear what I have to say. I am a part of her just in case you were wondering. What I want to write about is how much I hate exercise and doing laundry. How come two people have so much to wash? Exercise is a trigger to me. That man that was supposed to be a dad but turned out to be a disgusting coward who like to beat up little kids and I had to write tights that itched and now when I exercise it feels like I am back with him again. I get scared and worried and sweaty. It’s hard to remember he is not there anymore. I type faster than Radical, ha! FG
September 1, 2011
Another Excellent Article From Crunk: On Disappearing.
http://crunkfeministcollective.wordpress.com/2011/09/01/feminist-musings-on-showing-up/
People already think I am inferior to them because I am a large, black, natural haired woman, but this article really made me think of how I hide my selves from other people because they will think I am unintelligent or crazy.
May 24, 2011
“FOR STRONG WOMEN” By Marge Piercy
http://www.pbs.org/wnet/foolingwithwords/main_poet.html
“For strong women”
A strong woman is a woman who is straining.
A strong woman is a woman standing
on tiptoe and lifting a barbell
while trying to sing Boris Godunov.
A strong woman is a woman at work
cleaning out the cesspool of the ages,
and while she shovels, she talks about
how she doesn’t mind crying, it opens
the ducts of the eyes, and throwing up
develops the stomach muscles, and
she goes on shoveling with tears
in her nose.
A strong woman is a woman in whose head
a voice is repeating, I told you so,
ugly, bad girl, bitch, nag, shrill, witch,
ballbuster, nobody will ever love you back,
why aren’t you feminine, why aren’t
you soft, why aren’t you quiet, why
aren’t you dead?
A strong woman is a woman determined
to do something others are determined
not be done. She is pushing up on the bottom
of a lead coffin lid. She is trying to raise
a manhole cover with her head, she is trying
to butt her way through a steel wall.
Her head hurts. People waiting for the hole
to be made say, hurry, you’re so strong.
A strong woman is a woman bleeding
inside. A strong woman is a woman making
herself strong every morning while her teeth
loosen and her back throbs. Every baby,
a tooth, midwives used to say, and now
every battle a scar. A strong woman
is a mass of scar tissue that aches
when it rains and wounds that bleed
when you bump them and memories that get up
in the night and pace in boots to and fro.
A strong woman is a woman who craves love
like oxygen or she turns blue choking.
A strong woman is a woman who loves
strongly and weeps strongly and is strongly
terrified and has strong needs. A strong woman is strong
in words, in action, in connection, in feeling;
she is not strong as a stone but as a wolf
suckling her young. Strength is not in her, but she
enacts it as the wind fills a sail.
What comforts her is others loving
her equally for the strength and for the weakness
from which it issues, lightning from a cloud.
Lightning stuns. In rain, the clouds disperse.
Only water of connection remains,
flowing through us. Strong is what we make
each other. Until we are all strong together,
a strong woman is a woman strongly afraid.
May 8, 2011
What I do. *trigger*
This is what I do when I am low, miserable, feel like dying, and blame myself for blaming myself.
Somewhere in the bottom of my mind is an idea that what I am thinking may not be true.
I am mostly thinking that I am worthless; a mistake that should have miscarried, been aborted or at least killed as a small child as some innocent children are.
Whose beliefs are they? Hmmm, it would take too much energy to think about that.
So I burn some musk or lavender or sandalwood incense, put on some soothing positive music, organize or read or create something.
Keep it all to myself because no one believes or understands.
And hope it works this time.
March 31, 2011
ON SUICIDE Possible Triggers
When a person is suicidal they can’t think rationally. For example, when I get really depressed, I mean the kind of depression when I have no energy, no hope or joy, I am totally convinced the people I love and the whole world would be better off without me. This is a very, very dangerous place to be in mentally, because I don’t have the ability to think my way out of it.
If you ever find yourself feeling and thinking this way, you have to get help. Get help because there are people who will be LOST AND DEVASTATED FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES if you kill yourself and you may be sorry too! Keep telling people how you are feeling until someone listens to you and takes you seriously. Do it even though you don’t feel like doing it. Seriously. This is very serious. When you are feeling better and your brain has more of the chemical mix it needs, you will see that I am right and I usually am. 
February 27, 2011
Negative Vibes- Warning: Triggers
I am completely bummed out today. My kid parts had dreams that no one in our present family likes us and then I spent the morning playing word games in my mind. Clothes are piled up and overflowing in the clothing basket and my house is dirty. I feel yucky and disjointed. There are a million things that need to be done and I want to hide in my bed with my books, and incense. Well, I got to go eat my oats. So long everybody. Hopefully the next time I blog I will be feeling more positive.
January 11, 2011
Another One of those days again…
Today I am very spacey and exhausted. So tired that I have decided to take the day off and do nothing and I feel so guilty about it because there is so much I need to be doing. It seems that if I don’t take a day off from the world every week and spend the day alone, I end up like this. I have been busy lately and have some really traumatic events coming up soon. I just wish things were different, that I were different, that is, that I didn’t get so tired and spacey. I want to be strong.
October 28, 2010
Frozen In Fear Again….
I am terrified and can barely function. I feel like I am trying to walk through frozen slush. The only difference between this time and the thousands of other times I have felt this is that I am aware, but still am finding it difficulty.
It is embarrassing for me to tell other people what I am feeling because I know it does not make sense in the present time. My neighbor is getting her roof worked on and the workers scare me because it feels like they are standing over me and judging me, very much like my abusers.
I did manage to drink some green tea and burn some incense which is usually calming for me. Hopefully, I will be able to take a shower and play some music. I don’t like reacting or feeling like I am today.
June 29, 2010
Thoughts on Depression from Shewrites Community Blog
Blah, Blah, Blah…Depression is a Bytch!
the bullshyt pressures of life are a struggle right now. what is like breathing for other folks, is like life support for me…..wanna cope desperately….can’t….wanna fight….no strength…..wanna beg, plead, ask for help….feel too worthless to waste the breath….
wanna, wanna, wanna……promise to myself n everyone else….i’m gonna, gonna, gonna….but how?
i stand up, to pick it, to get it up…..but put it down…..like ‘what for?’ what difference will it, or i make anyhow?
talked on the phone, laughed n giggled to the them…to me…i stood looking in the mirror at the phony with the phuckin mask of confidence the other person is hearing
i say something i think may be witty….i guess…cause they’re laughing
i’m looking at me fighting back tears….i phukked up again…..
took on too much…..way more than i can handle…..what makes them believe i can do this shyt anyway….just cause i lucked up and did it last time
a mutha phuckkin fluke…that’s all that dumb shytt was…..that’s all it was
“Leave me alone!!!!! I can’t do it again!…..It’s too damn much!….Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeze!!!!!”
“Just let me crawl back in my bed….chase the sleep that evades me….if i can catch a hold of a little real rest…deep sleep….the kind the nightmares can’t get to……
the kind of sleep where my demons don’t dance and shake their asses, like my new orleans roots of a second line….waving the white flag of my failures in the air….taunting me with …what coulda…woulda…shoulda been
what i should have done right….or better….if only i were….right…or better
what the hell is right….or better….who the PHUCK KNOWS?????????????
i sure don’t….not at this moment……but maybe i will
after i moan, cry, and pray
if i can find the energy to moan, cry and pray
maybe i should, pray and moan as i cry?
Jesus, help me. I’m having a really bad day today….
Family, friends….forgive me….I’m not my best self this way….
depression is a super, uber, ugly bytch beast…..
but prayer has cracked the shell of this beast….and a sliver of hope at the end of my rope, is all i can cling to…..right now anyway
if i can only find the strength to hold on…..
by robminx
copyright 2010
www.robminx.wordpress.com
