November 6, 2011
A Tough Few Days
Lately, some of my kidparts have been coming to the present which is good because I have trying to make this happen, but at the same time I am in so much pain and have a lot of rage and anger, which cannot be helped because what happened to me was scary and horrible, but its hard.
I am depressed and I know it but I don’t know what to do about it. Usually if I go for a walk or book search and listen to music I feel better, but it’s not working this time. Last night I went and saw Sweet Honey in the Rock and they were wonderful. I didn’t want to go because I was feeling so low. Even after seeing those fabulous uplifting women perform I still felt down. Today I am going to spend the day burning lavender incense in bed reading and sleeping. If I don’t feel better tomorrow I’ll call my therapist.
July 8, 2011
I Told Somebody About What Happened And Dissociation
For about ten years I have had difficulty sleeping and after trying just about every drug for sleep out there, the problem has not shown any improvement. The psychiatrist that I’ve been going to for about a year suggested that I ask my family doctor about sleep medicine because he did not know what to prescribe. For the first time I discussed abuse and dissociation with my primary doctor. In the past I have kept everything separate except that I make sure all of my doctors know all of the drugs I take.
So I did tell Dr. R that I needed help with sleep and explained to her that my problem was a result of remembering how evil my parents were and what they did to me as a child. I explained dissociation as a way out of no way. Dr. R’s reaction was interesting.
Shaking her head, and looking down as she shielded her eyes with hands, she said, “That is so sad. You are so nice. It’s hard to believe something like that happened to you.”
At least she showed some kind of emotional response.
I told her, “all of my siblings who were abused are nice.”
With fear in her eyes Dr. R then asked me “if different parts were going to come for office visits.”
“In my case,” I said, “children would probably come see you.” I explained about how all systems are different and that much of what is on television is sensation.
Dr. R. knew that people who suffer from trauma can also have PTSD. I was glad she had that knowledge. She said something that really puzzled me, “Now I have to take care of you.” Not sure what she meant by that.
She gave me a medication to try but it didn’t work. Dr. R. gave me another one which is really just temporary until I go back on the 18th.
I hope everything works out between us because I really like this doctor.
March 22, 2010
Ant Attack!
It must be Spring because I just woke up and found my kitchen table covered in ants. Yuk! They were swarming in an area where there was no food. I have lived in the same place for twenty-two years, and for the past three or four seasons we have not had any problems with ants. Of course, I have been allowing the spiders to stay in the house so they could eat the ants. When you live out in the boonies, you have to work with what you got.
I have been very sleepy lately. It seems that when I and dealing with difficult memories my energy level is low. Also I have headaches. Is there a connection between dissociation and headaches? I will try to find out.
