November 6, 2011
A Tough Few Days
Lately, some of my kidparts have been coming to the present which is good because I have trying to make this happen, but at the same time I am in so much pain and have a lot of rage and anger, which cannot be helped because what happened to me was scary and horrible, but its hard.
I am depressed and I know it but I don’t know what to do about it. Usually if I go for a walk or book search and listen to music I feel better, but it’s not working this time. Last night I went and saw Sweet Honey in the Rock and they were wonderful. I didn’t want to go because I was feeling so low. Even after seeing those fabulous uplifting women perform I still felt down. Today I am going to spend the day burning lavender incense in bed reading and sleeping. If I don’t feel better tomorrow I’ll call my therapist.
November 4, 2011
*Trigger Warning* Call Me Forest Green
I decided I wanted to write something and Radicalhope wants to hear what I have to say. I am a part of her just in case you were wondering. What I want to write about is how much I hate exercise and doing laundry. How come two people have so much to wash? Exercise is a trigger to me. That man that was supposed to be a dad but turned out to be a disgusting coward who like to beat up little kids and I had to write tights that itched and now when I exercise it feels like I am back with him again. I get scared and worried and sweaty. It’s hard to remember he is not there anymore. I type faster than Radical, ha! FG
November 29, 2010
Body Memories?
Ten years ago before I started taking anti-depressant drugs I weighted 110 lbs less that I do now. Yeah, that’s what I said, 110 lbs. I think the weight came from the drugs and from overeating and not exercising due to depression.
A few weeks ago I told my doctor how desperately I wanted to lose weight but that I didn’t think I could do it on my own. I cannot afford Nutrasystem or anything like that, so the doctor said she would help me! She gave me some challenging instructions: Eliminate white sugar, white flour, processed foods and lower my sodium and dairy intake. I looked at her as if she were crazy. What the hell was there left to eat? Well, there are beans, brown rice, pretty much every vegetable and fruit that exists, soymilk, oatmeal, lean meats, whole wheat products, and lots of extra virgin olive oil. I’m sure there is much much more out there, but I’m new at this.
I have started losing weight, but as I am losing weight I keep remembering things about abuse I had forgotten. I’m wondering if memories are stored in my fat. I have read about somatic memory in which trauma energy is stored in different organs of the body and cause pain or illness, so could it also be stored in flesh? I need to do some more research on this subject. If anyone knows anything about this subject please let me know.
By the way, I feel better eating this way. I have more energy, less asthma flareups, and I sleep a little better.
Radicalhope
