March 7, 2012
New Medication Is Helping Me To Stand Up For Myself
For the first time in fifteen years I feel like I’m not in a hazy daze. I’ve got some of my energy back. This new drug has helped me to not be intimidated by the office manager of my new psychiatrist. I am a tall big black nappy haired woman. I am also college educated. I no longer live in the hood, though it will always be with me. Many times I’m underestimated. Sometimes that works in my favor. People don’t see me coming. Their defenses are down. In the past dissociation and depression sapped my strength and made me unable to respond to bull-s&*t. Now I can be myself a bit more.
So this officer manager told me that when I had an office visit to the psychiatrist I had a co-pay. My insurance Company and Explanation Of Benefits said I didn’t. She said the insurance company had not paid for my visits. I asked her to call my insurance to find out what was going on. She told me she didn’t have the time because she didn’t want to go on on hold. I asked her how she was going to find out where the payment was? She ignored my question and threatened me that if the insurance didn’t pay I would have to pay.
In my past life one of my jobs was as a secretary in charge of health insurance. I called the insurance company and asked about my benefits. I called several times because there are so many different plans sometimes the customer service agents get confused.
Three phone calls elicited the same information: I did not have a co-pay as my EOB said. Then I called to find if the office had received payment. They had. That’s why the office manager would not call.
The office manager asked me to send a copy of my Explanation Of Benefits to her. Of course I sent it out that very day. I asked my therapist to look at my EOB because she works with the same insurance company. She said no, I didn’t have a co-pay. She also told me to talk to the Dr. because she probably didn’t know what the office manager was doing.
A week after I sent the EOB to the office manager I had an appointment with the psychiatrist who is awesome. I asked the office manager if she had figured out what to do about my co-pay problem.
She said in a surly manner, “I’ll talk to you after your appointment.” If she had taken care of the situation I saw no need to bring the doctor into it. Unfortunately I had to tell the doctor about the problem.
I didn’t tell her everything though she specifically asked me, “What else did she say to you?”
I kept thinking to myself, “I don’t want trouble. Why do people have to bother me?”
She told me, “Don’t worry about it. I will walk out with you and take care of it.”
I told you she is the best. In the files the office manager had down that I owed a thirty dollar co-pay. When I came out she kept insisting I has a thirty dollar co-pay. When the doctor came out and showed me her another copy of the EOB (remember she already had it) she finally admitted that I didn’t have a co-pay and that the office owed me money. I said she could give it back to me at my next visit in 6 weeks.
Now I have to decide if I want the money back. It’s not about the money. It’s about her trying to intimidate and lying to me. I do need the money back but at the same time I don’t think the doctor is paid enough by the insurance. I told the doctor she needed to re-negotiate her rate with the insurance or stop working with them. As a patient I shouldn’t know anything about the running of her business. Of course I will no longer be able to afford her, but I think I can find another psychiatrist.
This post is way too long. There was more that happened, but I’m just too tired to write anymore. You’re probably tired of reading.
July 15, 2011
I Do Have To Find A New Psychiatrist.
I am disappointed. Disappointed in myself because I did not expect my doctor to be so defensive For some reason, I expected him to be more concerned about my health and well being. But of course once again I was being naive. After all this man has a reputation to protect.
I have had high blood pressure for about five years. The drug Cymbalta that I take for depression can cause blood pressure to rise in a small amount of people. My psychiatrist has never checked my blood pressure. My primary doctor did and we could not come up with any reason for the recent rise in my pressure excepting the increase in Cymbalta dosage. It could be something else, we just don’t know for sure.
When I told my psychiatrist he said, “I’ve never had anyone’s blood pressure rise from Cymbalta in the past.”
I replied, “Well, maybe it wasn’t the Cymbalta. I just don’t know.”
Then he said, “I need to know these things in case it happens to someone else.”
What he said made sense to me, I just think that if a doctor has a patient with high blood pressure and the drug makers state there is a small possibility for blood pressure rise, it might be a good idea for the doctor to occasionally check the patient’s pressure. I’m just sayin’.
I have been continually looking for a new psychiatrist. I felt funny after two appointments with this doctor. At first, it wasn’t that he had done anything to cause me to feel that way, I just did. Also, as I am going through the last bit of perimenopause into menopause, I want someone who is more aware of how hormones react with medication. When I asked my current psychiatrist about this he told me to go to the gynecologist. Obviously, he does not feel it is his place to know these sort of things but if possible, I would like to find someone who does have this sort of knowledge.
I told him I wanted to talk with the other psychiatrist in his office my therapist had recommended to see if she has the experience I am looking for.
He asked, “Who is your therapist?” Then he said, “Yeah, I would ask her about experience if I were you. So. this is our last appointment.” He began to write it down.
I was puzzled because I had not told him that. I said I was looking for someone else. He seemed to take my need for more knowledge personally, as if I were rejecting him. In a way I suppose I am, but I have a lot of problems and I need to get the best medical care that I can for my money. We are all human and have feelings. I think I hurt his feelings. He should not let me see that. Kid parts became scared and uncomfortable. It was not appropriate.
What will happen? I don’t know. The psychiatrist my therapist told me about has not called back. The staff at the counseling office seems to think it’s odd that I want to talk to the doctor before I meet with her. An administrative person told me that ” if I switched doctors, I would not be able to switch back.” I explained to her again that I wanted to talk to the doctor, not switch to her. It may be time for me to move on.
July 8, 2011
I Told Somebody About What Happened And Dissociation
For about ten years I have had difficulty sleeping and after trying just about every drug for sleep out there, the problem has not shown any improvement. The psychiatrist that I’ve been going to for about a year suggested that I ask my family doctor about sleep medicine because he did not know what to prescribe. For the first time I discussed abuse and dissociation with my primary doctor. In the past I have kept everything separate except that I make sure all of my doctors know all of the drugs I take.
So I did tell Dr. R that I needed help with sleep and explained to her that my problem was a result of remembering how evil my parents were and what they did to me as a child. I explained dissociation as a way out of no way. Dr. R’s reaction was interesting.
Shaking her head, and looking down as she shielded her eyes with hands, she said, “That is so sad. You are so nice. It’s hard to believe something like that happened to you.”
At least she showed some kind of emotional response.
I told her, “all of my siblings who were abused are nice.”
With fear in her eyes Dr. R then asked me “if different parts were going to come for office visits.”
“In my case,” I said, “children would probably come see you.” I explained about how all systems are different and that much of what is on television is sensation.
Dr. R. knew that people who suffer from trauma can also have PTSD. I was glad she had that knowledge. She said something that really puzzled me, “Now I have to take care of you.” Not sure what she meant by that.
She gave me a medication to try but it didn’t work. Dr. R. gave me another one which is really just temporary until I go back on the 18th.
I hope everything works out between us because I really like this doctor.
July 1, 2011
Back From Medication Break
Picture by Candida Alvarez
You may wonder what a medication break is, or maybe not. I have been trying out a new medication and it has made it difficult for me to write, think, and I have been angry with strangers. Now I’m trying something different and so far I’m ok, so I am posting. So, hey there everybody!
May 8, 2011
INCOMPETENT PSYCHIATRIST
This so-called doctor told me that he could do nothing to help me with my ten year ptsd sleep problem. He suggested that I go to my family practitioner for help just as I did for my high blood pressure which was dangerously increased by an anti-depressant he prescribed. He did not monitor results as the medication insert directed. And he actually thinks I will accept this kind of behavior! I get so sick of these loser people!
March 31, 2011
ON SUICIDE Possible Triggers
When a person is suicidal they can’t think rationally. For example, when I get really depressed, I mean the kind of depression when I have no energy, no hope or joy, I am totally convinced the people I love and the whole world would be better off without me. This is a very, very dangerous place to be in mentally, because I don’t have the ability to think my way out of it.
If you ever find yourself feeling and thinking this way, you have to get help. Get help because there are people who will be LOST AND DEVASTATED FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES if you kill yourself and you may be sorry too! Keep telling people how you are feeling until someone listens to you and takes you seriously. Do it even though you don’t feel like doing it. Seriously. This is very serious. When you are feeling better and your brain has more of the chemical mix it needs, you will see that I am right and I usually am. 
March 25, 2011
CHOOSING PSYCHIATRISTS
In the twelve years that I have been medicated, I have only had two of six psychiatrists who behaved like normal decent people. One was a resident and the other an older woman who had been practicing for fifty years. The rest of them were manipulative and/or cruel and/or incompetent and/or weird. Now I have to find another one again and I don’t really trust my judgment.
The first psychiatrist I went to for evaluation of depression was terse and scowling. I saw him for only fifteen minutes for him to tell me he could not see me and needed to send me somewhere else. Why didn’t he just tell me that information on the phone? He ripped me off for $100. I felt angry and my kid parts were terrified.
The second seemed to be a sincere and competent woman, but her office was very far from where I lived.
The third psychiatrist was some kind of new wave Christian and I did not know that I had to agree with his religious beliefs in order to see him. When I told him that I was not interested in being proselytized, he screamed that if I were not a Christian I had to hit the road. I started crying. He watched silently and triumphantly never acknowledging what had just happened. Just like abusers. I backed down from what I was saying. I told my then therapist about him and she advised me not to go back to him. It is scary to say that at the time I probably would have gone back because I was so unsure about my own perceptions about everything. The psychiatrist acted as if there were something wrong with me and because he was the doctor and I was the person with DID or MPD back then; I figured he must be right, right? Wrong.
The fifth psychiatrist worked mostly with children and adolescents. My story of trauma and abuse scared her. I was seeing her at a time when I was struggling with a professor harassing me in school and threatening my degree and graduation. Number five moved to another office and never answered my phone calls. I became suicidal.
Luckily for me, my fourth psychiatrist who had retired came back into practice because she was bored. She was eighty-eight years old and ran her practice like a nosy grandmother in some ways. She was all up in my business. I kind of resented it, but she saved my life. She told me some unpleasant outcomes of suicide, and I was very angry with her, however it was just what I needed to hear at that time. I love her for being honest with me.
My seventh and current psychiatrist kind of creeps me out. He seems to be gliding across the floor instead of walking. He has never learned to pronounce my name correctly or help me deal with my ten year struggle with insomnia. I have tried for two weeks to get an appointment with him to no avail. Today I decided to try and just get a refill on my anti-depressant and was told that he could not give me a refill without an appointment! Ok. I think this will be my last appointment with him.
Wait a minute. The phone just rang and the doctor’s office called to say he left me some free antidepressant at the front desk. At least he is concerned. On the other hand, I cannot stop taking this particular drug abruptly or I will get deathly ill. It happened before when I tried to get off the drug on my own. Maybe he is just looking out for a malpractice suit. I think it is time to move on, but to where?
August 2, 2010
New Psychiatrist
I found a psychiatrist in my area that takes my insurance. My last psychiatrist was very good. She was willing to try different medications and listen to me. She retired several months ago due to her age. She was 85 years old! Anyway I am nervous about meeting this new person( a man) but I need some adjustments in my medications so I will be able to function. Will let everyone know what happens today. Say a prayer, and wish me good luck.
Well it went ok, but I couldn’t find the place. One of the manifestications of depression for me is that I get lost easier than I used to. Mind you, I was always a little dizzy, but now it is worse than ever. I was so nervous I forget to take the address with me when I left. I figured I could find it. You know what? I did after driving around for twenty minutes.
I had to fill out 5 pages of questions on a clip board for my visit, read a patients bill of rights, my privacy rights, and promise to come back and piss in a purple cup at midnight. Ok, I’m joking about the purple cup. I was shocked to be seen on time. This rarely happens for me.
I have a male psychiatrist this time. I am so used to women. Anyway he was all business. Asked me all the standard questions. He seemed nervous to me because he kept his expression the same and he hardly moved when he spoke. Maybe he was trying to keep me calm. I keep forgetting psychiatrists are human too. Sometimes I think they forget, but I am getting off track. He told me that he did have some experience working with people with dissociation, that he was from West Virginia, been practicing sice 1990, worked at a well known local mental hospital.
I told him I was tired of being spacey and tired. He told me he couldn’t work miracle cures and I said if he could he would probably have a magic wand. In the end he increased the antidepressant that I am already on which was what I would have done, but I didn’t have to suggest it to to him, so I’m hoping it turns out for the best.
Now I am searching for the cheapest way to fill this presciption.
