March 18, 2010
Contamination
I have been thinking about what is appropriate to reveal of my inner self on this blog. I hope that what I write is helpful to someone out there, but on the other hand I feel that I am selfishly unburdening myself by writing about my struggles.
Since last night I have been struggling with an idea planted in my brain by my birth parents and their cronies that I am bad luck for other people and that I should always stay away from them. What is really scary to me is that I truly believe those lies in the younger parts of my consciousness.
So today I am staying in the house and I feel like I have lost my mind. I know that what I am feeling is not true, and yet I still believe it. I am very tired of this
January 28, 2010
Emergency!
Haven’t posted in a while because I have been busy with so many different parts of my life, but I want to tell everyone about an experience I had earlier this week. I ended up in an emergency room.
I needed medical assistant fast because I ran out of my anti-depressant Cymbalta and could not reach my psychiatrist for a refill. Well, I don’t like taking drugs anyway, so I decided it was time to get the drug out of my body since I had no more left. Made sense to me, but after a few days without the drug in my body I began to have awful withdrawal symptoms.
Nausea and pain wracked my whole body. I vomited, had diarrhea, joint pain, dizziness and was spacey. Much more than usual! Felt like a junkie with the detoxs, and pretty much that is exactly what was happening to my body.
The emergency room gave me medicine for dehydration and nausea. They also prescribed me some more Cymbalta because the drug has to be tapered off of slowly. I am always shocked how powerfully some drugs can affect the human body. I really want to get off this drug for good.
When the emergency room took my blood pressure it was normal, and I suspect that the Cymbalta has caused my blood pressure to spike. Oh did I say I was also being treated for high blood pressure? It seems like one drug solves one problem and then causes another. Most of the medical community thinks the way to solve the new problem is to give out more drugs. Definitely don’t want my body used in this backwards, haphazard kind of way anymore.
I was glad I went to the emergency room because I took good care of myself. I am so used to taking care of other people and it felt so good to be taken care of. Now I know that I have the ability to nurture myself and I like the feeling.
December 23, 2009
No Control is Scary
It is very difficult for the kid part of myself to understand that my dad did not love me, and I did nothing to make it happen. As a kid it made more sense to me that it was my fault. It hurts less when I can blame myself and if feels safer. I feel like I would have had some sort of control over the situation.It is very difficult for the kid part of myself to understand that my dad did not love me, and I did nothing to make it happen. As a kid it made more sense to me that it was my fault. It hurts less when I can blame myself and if feels safer. I feel like I would have had some sort of control over the situation.
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