October 26, 2011
What Depression Feels Like.
“Sometimes I feel like I’m not… solid. I’m hollow. There’s nothing behind my eyes. I’m a negative of a person. It’s as if I never – -I never thought anything. I never wrote anything. I never felt anything.” - From the movie Sylvia.
April 28, 2010
I Am Not Crazy!
I have always assumed I was just losing my mind. It never occurred to me that I was experiencing complications from Depression. Lately, I have felt as if I were dying, and I think I am. After reading some of the posts of other people who are struggling with some of the same issues that I am, I figured out some of what is going on with me. So please keep writing because it is helpful to me.
It is also helpful to me to put a name to what is ailing me; it’s not that I expect to feel better soon, it feels good to have some understanding of what has been going on with my mind and body for the last ten years! I knew I was suffering from Depression and Dissociation, but I never really understood the effect it was having on my body and the affect on my mind. I went to school and finished a degree in the past few years and it was so very difficult. I could barely think or write, had no short term memory, felt scared and overwhelmed most of the time. Most of the people at the college I went to acted as if I were an idiot. They never even wondered if anything could be wrong. I did get eventually get help after asking for it repeatedly. I already felt like an idiot as a result of remembering abuse and so in a way I let them abuse me. It can be rough out here sometimes.
I found a website that put how I am feeling into words: http://thinkexist.com/quotations/depression/2.html I especially can relate to this poem.
“You know it ain’t easy
|
|
 inlovewithj Citizen Cope quotes |
It copied out in large print, but you know my feelings feel huge too, so it is appropriate. I just have to say that even though there have been people who hurt me, there are also those who have befriended and loved me. It really is a mixed bag for me.
January 28, 2010
Emergency!
Haven’t posted in a while because I have been busy with so many different parts of my life, but I want to tell everyone about an experience I had earlier this week. I ended up in an emergency room.
I needed medical assistant fast because I ran out of my anti-depressant Cymbalta and could not reach my psychiatrist for a refill. Well, I don’t like taking drugs anyway, so I decided it was time to get the drug out of my body since I had no more left. Made sense to me, but after a few days without the drug in my body I began to have awful withdrawal symptoms.
Nausea and pain wracked my whole body. I vomited, had diarrhea, joint pain, dizziness and was spacey. Much more than usual! Felt like a junkie with the detoxs, and pretty much that is exactly what was happening to my body.
The emergency room gave me medicine for dehydration and nausea. They also prescribed me some more Cymbalta because the drug has to be tapered off of slowly. I am always shocked how powerfully some drugs can affect the human body. I really want to get off this drug for good.
When the emergency room took my blood pressure it was normal, and I suspect that the Cymbalta has caused my blood pressure to spike. Oh did I say I was also being treated for high blood pressure? It seems like one drug solves one problem and then causes another. Most of the medical community thinks the way to solve the new problem is to give out more drugs. Definitely don’t want my body used in this backwards, haphazard kind of way anymore.
I was glad I went to the emergency room because I took good care of myself. I am so used to taking care of other people and it felt so good to be taken care of. Now I know that I have the ability to nurture myself and I like the feeling.
