The woman dear to herself lives in the heart,
alive to the everywhere presence of divinity
The woman dear to herself does not lose herself
in the presence of man,
woman, or child
March 8, 2012
Respite
Once a week I need to take a break. On that day I do nothing seemingly productive. I read, write, play with my craft supplies, pray, listen to music and the radio, search the internet, look at one of my favorite television shows Keeping Up Appearances, and of course, bake myself some chocolate chip cookies. I also think about my thinking. It seems my body and mind needs it. It allows me to function the rest of the week. I wonder if this need comes from dissociation and depression or it’s just a part of being human. Maybe it’s some of both.
March 7, 2012
Don’t Wash Away My Scent!
My kid parts resent having to take daily showers. It’s making them always smell like soap, moisturizer, deodorant, powder and perfumed oil. They say it masks over their natural scent. As an older part, I have no idea what my natural scent is. I can identify my husband and son by their distinct scents. Neither can they explain my scent but they say they know it. I also have difficult putting their scents into words. I have agreed to wash up every other day, but I need to have on some deodorant and moisturizer.
February 29, 2012
A Child’s Book of Blessings Compiled by Sabrina Dearborn
http://www.amazon.com/Childs-Book-Blessings-Sabrina-Dearborn/dp/184148010X
I found this book at a library sale. It is so pretty and soothing that I want to share some of the blessings it has in.
Blessing For Peace. “Peace to you from my heart to yours.” Sufi
Water Blessing. “Waters of Life Pour forth upon our thirsty world.” Christian
Bedtime Blessing. “Great Owl of Dreams, Wings soft and furred with dark, Soar though my sleep To that tender place between the eyes and heart. Bring me the dream in your mother beak, The dream to feed me and teach me and guide me, Great Owl of Dreams.” From Celebrating the Great Mother
New Year Blessing. “May you have success in all endeavors. May you have peace and health in the four seasons. May your happiness be as wide as the sea. May all your comings and goings be peaceful.” Chinese
Fire Blessing. “Remember, remember the sacredness of things Running Streams and dwellings The young within the nest A hearth for sacred fire The holy flame of fire” Pawnee
November 6, 2011
A Tough Few Days
Lately, some of my kidparts have been coming to the present which is good because I have trying to make this happen, but at the same time I am in so much pain and have a lot of rage and anger, which cannot be helped because what happened to me was scary and horrible, but its hard.
I am depressed and I know it but I don’t know what to do about it. Usually if I go for a walk or book search and listen to music I feel better, but it’s not working this time. Last night I went and saw Sweet Honey in the Rock and they were wonderful. I didn’t want to go because I was feeling so low. Even after seeing those fabulous uplifting women perform I still felt down. Today I am going to spend the day burning lavender incense in bed reading and sleeping. If I don’t feel better tomorrow I’ll call my therapist.
November 4, 2011
Calling All Intelligent Researchers
There needs to be a study on menopausal women who also have a dissociative disorder and/or post traumatic stress. I am going through menopause and sometimes I don’t know if my symptoms are hormonal, from dissociation, or a combination of the two. My kidparts are going through menopause. They don’t much like being fat and sweaty. I wonder how other women in their fifties with dissociation fare during menopause. If someone does some research, I am willing to be a participant.
July 15, 2011
I Do Have To Find A New Psychiatrist.
I am disappointed. Disappointed in myself because I did not expect my doctor to be so defensive For some reason, I expected him to be more concerned about my health and well being. But of course once again I was being naive. After all this man has a reputation to protect.
I have had high blood pressure for about five years. The drug Cymbalta that I take for depression can cause blood pressure to rise in a small amount of people. My psychiatrist has never checked my blood pressure. My primary doctor did and we could not come up with any reason for the recent rise in my pressure excepting the increase in Cymbalta dosage. It could be something else, we just don’t know for sure.
When I told my psychiatrist he said, “I’ve never had anyone’s blood pressure rise from Cymbalta in the past.”
I replied, “Well, maybe it wasn’t the Cymbalta. I just don’t know.”
Then he said, “I need to know these things in case it happens to someone else.”
What he said made sense to me, I just think that if a doctor has a patient with high blood pressure and the drug makers state there is a small possibility for blood pressure rise, it might be a good idea for the doctor to occasionally check the patient’s pressure. I’m just sayin’.
I have been continually looking for a new psychiatrist. I felt funny after two appointments with this doctor. At first, it wasn’t that he had done anything to cause me to feel that way, I just did. Also, as I am going through the last bit of perimenopause into menopause, I want someone who is more aware of how hormones react with medication. When I asked my current psychiatrist about this he told me to go to the gynecologist. Obviously, he does not feel it is his place to know these sort of things but if possible, I would like to find someone who does have this sort of knowledge.
I told him I wanted to talk with the other psychiatrist in his office my therapist had recommended to see if she has the experience I am looking for.
He asked, “Who is your therapist?” Then he said, “Yeah, I would ask her about experience if I were you. So. this is our last appointment.” He began to write it down.
I was puzzled because I had not told him that. I said I was looking for someone else. He seemed to take my need for more knowledge personally, as if I were rejecting him. In a way I suppose I am, but I have a lot of problems and I need to get the best medical care that I can for my money. We are all human and have feelings. I think I hurt his feelings. He should not let me see that. Kid parts became scared and uncomfortable. It was not appropriate.
What will happen? I don’t know. The psychiatrist my therapist told me about has not called back. The staff at the counseling office seems to think it’s odd that I want to talk to the doctor before I meet with her. An administrative person told me that ” if I switched doctors, I would not be able to switch back.” I explained to her again that I wanted to talk to the doctor, not switch to her. It may be time for me to move on.
May 8, 2011
INCOMPETENT PSYCHIATRIST
This so-called doctor told me that he could do nothing to help me with my ten year ptsd sleep problem. He suggested that I go to my family practitioner for help just as I did for my high blood pressure which was dangerously increased by an anti-depressant he prescribed. He did not monitor results as the medication insert directed. And he actually thinks I will accept this kind of behavior! I get so sick of these loser people!
March 7, 2011
Poetry by Mohja Kahf from E-Mails From Scheherazad
“The Woman Dear to Herself” (Azizatu Nafsiha)
The woman dear to herself loves
for another what she loves for herself,
and loves for herself,
neither in conquest nor in surrender
In love she remains whole
She doesn’t chop herself like an onion
She doesn’t peel herself and sweep away the dry peelings
The woman dear to herself, when she has her period
says “I have my period,”
understanding that her powers are not a curse
She knows the geography of her body
and how to give good directions home
to those whom she selects for company
The woman dear to herself gives herself breast exams and running shoes
and eats well and washes her face in the river
and cherishes the beauty in other women as in her self
She wears dignity like a mantle
It swings lightly from her shoulders when she moves
The woman dear to herself, when come the spring rains
-O meeting with the beloved!-
knows where to find the first stalks of green
So that when the rivulets stream and stream
over brown muds, crocuses will open oval buds and hyacinths
will triumph flush and pink tiny flower after tiny flower and
jonquils
everywhere
delight
the woman dear to herself,
she who lives
in the heart
of every man,
woman, and child
1996
Mohja Kahf
February 4, 2011
Experiment With My Diet Continued…
I have continued trying to eat healthy and I do feel better. A few weeks ago I tried not eating any wheat. I lost 8 pounds in one week, but I was so hungry. Tried eating reduced amounts of processed foods and meat, but the inflammation (asthma and plantar fasciitis) in my body came back.
It looks like what I will need to do for my health and to get off of asthma and blood pressure medication is to eat mostly grains, vegetables, fruits, and fish, and limit processed, dairy, and meat products. This will my new way of living.
Still no exercise. It’s so cold outside. Hopefully this spring I can garden and walk. I am working on stretching regularly.
