The woman dear to herself lives in the heart,
alive to the everywhere presence of divinity
The woman dear to herself does not lose herself
in the presence of man,
woman, or child
May 22, 2012
Cannot Relate To My Son
My son is 27 and lives with his girlfriend. My husband and I occasionally go over to visit. I cannot imagine how he feels or what that feels like. He has a mother and father and these days we can actually stand each other. He likes me to hug him. He calls and wants to talk to me. He asks, “Where’s my daddy?” Meanwhile I’m thinking he’s living a life I can’t understand. My father didn’t live with us and when he came to visit he was abusive. My mother was abusive and I couldn’t bear for her to touch me. What he has experienced is so simple and yet so valuable. I helped create something I might not ever be able to fully comprehend. Life can be strange.
May 21, 2012
How Many Radicals Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
One. However, this Radical is having a hard time getting it done.
A few months ago we put in several new light fixtures and bulbs. I don’t like the bulb in the bathroom. I think the new bulb makes the bathroom feel creepy. It has taken a few months to figure out that I can do something about it. Now I’m having a hard time doing it. This is a pattern for me.
When I was growing up my mother didn’t like her children to do anything positive. So I behave as if I am still there and not able to do little things that please me. I have to actually think myself out it.
Tommorrow I getting a new light bulb.
May 2, 2012
Trying Not To Be Pulled Into Others Version Of Truth
Several years ago my sister told me that I was sinning and putting myself ahead of God by acknowledging my birthday. She stopped celebrating her birthday when she became a Jehovah Witness and so she thought that other people should live their lives the way she believed. I couldn’t and wouldn’t do that. Of course she wouldn’t and couldn’t live her life in a way that was against her conscious.
Online I have met all kinds of people. Once a woman was offended because she didn’t think vaseline should be used by everyone. I had to gently explain to her that I meant me. What threw me was that the post was clearly about what worked for me. In no way did I say or think she or anyone should follow what worked for me.
Then I had someone blame me for what they were feeling because I gave my individual opinion. The person doesn’t know me and obviously never understood my intentions. He or she jumped to their own conclusion and acted as if it had something to do with me.
It’s important that everyone thinks for themselves. It’s okay to come to different conclusions. There’s nothing wrong with having contrasting opinions. We can agree to disagree. That’s the way I think we should be, but of course you may not see things that way.
In the future, starting right now, I am not going to let any adults blame Radicalhope for what they feel or think. Let’s face it; I need all my mental energy to try and keep myself straight.
April 29, 2012
Positive Ouote
This is paraphrased.
Paul D. To Sethe: You know Sethe, we have too much of yesterday. We need more of tomorrow.
From Beloved by Toni Morrison
March 8, 2012
Respite
Once a week I need to take a break. On that day I do nothing seemingly productive. I read, write, play with my craft supplies, pray, listen to music and the radio, search the internet, look at one of my favorite television shows Keeping Up Appearances, and of course, bake myself some chocolate chip cookies. I also think about my thinking. It seems my body and mind needs it. It allows me to function the rest of the week. I wonder if this need comes from dissociation and depression or it’s just a part of being human. Maybe it’s some of both.
March 7, 2012
New Medication Is Helping Me To Stand Up For Myself
For the first time in fifteen years I feel like I’m not in a hazy daze. I’ve got some of my energy back. This new drug has helped me to not be intimidated by the office manager of my new psychiatrist. I am a tall big black nappy haired woman. I am also college educated. I no longer live in the hood, though it will always be with me. Many times I’m underestimated. Sometimes that works in my favor. People don’t see me coming. Their defenses are down. In the past dissociation and depression sapped my strength and made me unable to respond to bull-s&*t. Now I can be myself a bit more.
So this officer manager told me that when I had an office visit to the psychiatrist I had a co-pay. My insurance Company and Explanation Of Benefits said I didn’t. She said the insurance company had not paid for my visits. I asked her to call my insurance to find out what was going on. She told me she didn’t have the time because she didn’t want to go on on hold. I asked her how she was going to find out where the payment was? She ignored my question and threatened me that if the insurance didn’t pay I would have to pay.
In my past life one of my jobs was as a secretary in charge of health insurance. I called the insurance company and asked about my benefits. I called several times because there are so many different plans sometimes the customer service agents get confused.
Three phone calls elicited the same information: I did not have a co-pay as my EOB said. Then I called to find if the office had received payment. They had. That’s why the office manager would not call.
The office manager asked me to send a copy of my Explanation Of Benefits to her. Of course I sent it out that very day. I asked my therapist to look at my EOB because she works with the same insurance company. She said no, I didn’t have a co-pay. She also told me to talk to the Dr. because she probably didn’t know what the office manager was doing.
A week after I sent the EOB to the office manager I had an appointment with the psychiatrist who is awesome. I asked the office manager if she had figured out what to do about my co-pay problem.
She said in a surly manner, “I’ll talk to you after your appointment.” If she had taken care of the situation I saw no need to bring the doctor into it. Unfortunately I had to tell the doctor about the problem.
I didn’t tell her everything though she specifically asked me, “What else did she say to you?”
I kept thinking to myself, “I don’t want trouble. Why do people have to bother me?”
She told me, “Don’t worry about it. I will walk out with you and take care of it.”
I told you she is the best. In the files the office manager had down that I owed a thirty dollar co-pay. When I came out she kept insisting I has a thirty dollar co-pay. When the doctor came out and showed me her another copy of the EOB (remember she already had it) she finally admitted that I didn’t have a co-pay and that the office owed me money. I said she could give it back to me at my next visit in 6 weeks.
Now I have to decide if I want the money back. It’s not about the money. It’s about her trying to intimidate and lying to me. I do need the money back but at the same time I don’t think the doctor is paid enough by the insurance. I told the doctor she needed to re-negotiate her rate with the insurance or stop working with them. As a patient I shouldn’t know anything about the running of her business. Of course I will no longer be able to afford her, but I think I can find another psychiatrist.
This post is way too long. There was more that happened, but I’m just too tired to write anymore. You’re probably tired of reading.
October 19, 2011
We Need Books.
The kid parts of myself want to read more books and hear more stories. The other day at a book sale I found Book Crush by Nancy Pearl. It recommends books for kids and teens, so we made a trip to the library. The teens got Son of a witch by Gregory Maguire, the pre-teens picked out The Folk Keeper by Frannie Billingsley, and the little ones wanted Strega Nona by Tomie de Paola. We remember that one from when our son was little and it was one of our favorites. The adults checked out The Leftovers by Tom Perrotta and several others. I wonder what people think when they see me checking out children’s books. Many people who are not dissociative have told me they like children’s books too.
September 1, 2011
Another Excellent Article From Crunk: On Disappearing.
http://crunkfeministcollective.wordpress.com/2011/09/01/feminist-musings-on-showing-up/
People already think I am inferior to them because I am a large, black, natural haired woman, but this article really made me think of how I hide my selves from other people because they will think I am unintelligent or crazy.
March 30, 2011
Music for My Kidparts
When I was a child I was blessed with some good influences outside of the violent place I had to live. One was that I had teachers who loved music. Some of it I never forgot. It is in my brain forever. So today the Kidparts want to share with you one of theirs and of course my favorite songs from the 1970′s. The group Chicago came together in 1967. Singing lead is founding member Robert Lamm. For more info go to: http://www.chicagotheband.com/
March 7, 2011
Poetry by Mohja Kahf from E-Mails From Scheherazad
“The Woman Dear to Herself” (Azizatu Nafsiha)
The woman dear to herself loves
for another what she loves for herself,
and loves for herself,
neither in conquest nor in surrender
In love she remains whole
She doesn’t chop herself like an onion
She doesn’t peel herself and sweep away the dry peelings
The woman dear to herself, when she has her period
says “I have my period,”
understanding that her powers are not a curse
She knows the geography of her body
and how to give good directions home
to those whom she selects for company
The woman dear to herself gives herself breast exams and running shoes
and eats well and washes her face in the river
and cherishes the beauty in other women as in her self
She wears dignity like a mantle
It swings lightly from her shoulders when she moves
The woman dear to herself, when come the spring rains
-O meeting with the beloved!-
knows where to find the first stalks of green
So that when the rivulets stream and stream
over brown muds, crocuses will open oval buds and hyacinths
will triumph flush and pink tiny flower after tiny flower and
jonquils
everywhere
delight
the woman dear to herself,
she who lives
in the heart
of every man,
woman, and child
1996
Mohja Kahf
