November 10, 2011
Sexual Abuse at Penn State
I am so angry because the cover up there reminds me of the way sexual abuse is kept secret in families. Some people know what’s going on but they keep silent in order to protect the reputation of the family. At Penn State they wanted to protect that football program because of all the money it brought in and they felt loyalty to one another. I also wonder about the state of Pennsylvania. Did certain people stay silent in order to keep collecting tax revenue? Well now the secrets are having light shined on them and the roaches are running and hiding.
November 6, 2011
A Tough Few Days
Lately, some of my kidparts have been coming to the present which is good because I have trying to make this happen, but at the same time I am in so much pain and have a lot of rage and anger, which cannot be helped because what happened to me was scary and horrible, but its hard.
I am depressed and I know it but I don’t know what to do about it. Usually if I go for a walk or book search and listen to music I feel better, but it’s not working this time. Last night I went and saw Sweet Honey in the Rock and they were wonderful. I didn’t want to go because I was feeling so low. Even after seeing those fabulous uplifting women perform I still felt down. Today I am going to spend the day burning lavender incense in bed reading and sleeping. If I don’t feel better tomorrow I’ll call my therapist.
June 15, 2010
Bullies
Once I had a therapist who rode a Harley. She told me that when she was learning to ride it, it kept falling down. Finally she asked an experienced rider how to keep the bike up and he told her “don’t let it fall.”
I’m not sure how these two thoughts relate but what she said reminded me of what I recently learned about bullies. They pick on people because they can. I always thought it was something about me and there was. I did not have the ability at those times to defend myself. What I have learned is that if someone comprehends you will not let them build themself up by putting you down, they will leave you alone and move on to someone else.
When I have the strength, I can use it to push those kind of people away from me, because like all of us with Dissociation, I am extremely strong. Most days I use up most of my energy just trying to stay alive, but I must be getting better because I am beginning to have a little umph left over here and there.
March 18, 2010
Contamination
I have been thinking about what is appropriate to reveal of my inner self on this blog. I hope that what I write is helpful to someone out there, but on the other hand I feel that I am selfishly unburdening myself by writing about my struggles.
Since last night I have been struggling with an idea planted in my brain by my birth parents and their cronies that I am bad luck for other people and that I should always stay away from them. What is really scary to me is that I truly believe those lies in the younger parts of my consciousness.
So today I am staying in the house and I feel like I have lost my mind. I know that what I am feeling is not true, and yet I still believe it. I am very tired of this
December 30, 2009
Pain From the Past in the Present
It has only been in the last three years that I understood that the fear and self hate that I felt some days, like today, was what I felt when I was being abused and did not have the opportunity to feel while I was trying to survive. Now when I feel it, I am trying to sit with it and not try to run away from it. It is so hard to admit how I was used, and that I had no one to help me but myself. In the present I have been calling myself the names the abusers called me which are all profanity and I don’t want to repeat. Keep in mind they were speaking to a three year old. I was totally brainwashed and believed every terrible lie they told me about myself. At least now I can talk to myself and understand why I am thinking and feeling so depressed and sad. It took a lot of hard work for me to get to this point. It has felt like I was climbing Mt. Everest on my knees with no equipment.
December 23, 2009
No Control is Scary
It is very difficult for the kid part of myself to understand that my dad did not love me, and I did nothing to make it happen. As a kid it made more sense to me that it was my fault. It hurts less when I can blame myself and if feels safer. I feel like I would have had some sort of control over the situation.It is very difficult for the kid part of myself to understand that my dad did not love me, and I did nothing to make it happen. As a kid it made more sense to me that it was my fault. It hurts less when I can blame myself and if feels safer. I feel like I would have had some sort of control over the situation.
.
December 4, 2009
ROMAN POLANSKI SUPPORTERS
Director Roman Polanski has admitted to drugging and sodomizing a thirteen-year old girl thirty years ago. He fled the country in order to avoid punishment. After being held in a Swiss prison for several months this year, Polanski has paid $4 million in bail, and moved back to his spacious chalet. He has never paid for his crime, and some people think he never should.
Listed below are the names of directors, actors, writers, and designers who support Polanski. They all signed a petition protesting his imprisonment.
Fatih Akin, Stephane Allagnon, Woody Allen, Pedro Almodovar, Wes Anderson, Jean-Jacques Annaud, Alexandre Arcady, Fanny Ardant, Asia Argento, Darren Aronofsky, Olivier Assayas, Alexander Astruc, Gabriel Auer, Luc Barnier , Christophe Barratier, Xavier Beauvois , Liria Begeja , Gilles Behat, Jean-Jacques Beineix, Marco Bellochio, Monica Bellucci, Djamel Bennecib, Giuseppe Bertolucci , Patrick Bouchitey, Paul Boujenah, Jacques Bral, Patrick Braoudé, André Buytaers, Christian Carion, Henning Carlsen, Jean-michel Carre, Mathieu Celary, Patrice Chéreau, Elie Chouraqui, Souleymane Cissé, Alain Corneau, Jérôme Cornuau, Miguel Courtois, Dominique Crevecoeur, Alfonso Cuaron, Luc et Jean-Pierre Dardenne, Jonathan Demme, Alexandre Desplat, Rosalinde et Michel Deville, Georges Dybman, Jacques Fansten, Joël Farges, Gianluca Farinelli (Cinémathèque de de Bologne), Etienne Faure, Michel Ferry, Scott Foundas, Stephen Frears, Thierry Frémaux, Sam Gabarski, René Gainville, Tony Gatlif, Costa Gavras, Jean-Marc Ghanassia, Terry Gilliam, Christian Gion, Marc Guidoni, Buck Henry, David Heyman, Laurent Heynemann, Robert Hossein, Jean-Loup Hubert, Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, Gilles Jacob, Just Jaeckin, Alain Jessua, Pierre Jolivet, Kent Jones (World Cinema Foundation), Roger Kahane, Nelly Kaplan, Wong Kar Waï, Ladislas Kijno, Harmony Korinne, Jan Kounen, Diane Kurys, Emir Kusturica, John Landis, Claude Lanzmann, André Larquié, Vinciane Lecocq, Patrice Leconte, Claude Lelouch, Gérard Lenne, David Lynch, Michael Mann, François Margolin, Jean-PierreMarois, Tonie Marshall, Mario Martone, Nicolas Mauvernay, Radu Mihaileanu, Claude Miller, Mario Monicelli, Jeanne Moreau, Sandra Nicolier, Michel Ocelot, Alexander Payne, Richard Pena (Directeur Festival de NY), Michele Placido, Philippe Radault, Jean-Paul Rappeneau, Raphael Rebibo, Yasmina Reza, Jacques Richard, Laurence Roulet, Walter Salles, Jean-Paul Salomé, Marc Sandberg, Jerry Schatzberg, Julian Schnabel, Barbet Schroeder, Ettore Scola, Martin Scorsese, Charlotte Silvera, Abderrahmane Sissako, Paolo Sorrentino, Guillaume Stirn, Tilda Swinton, Jean-Charles Tacchella, Radovan Tadic, Danis Tanovic, Bertrand Tavernier, Cécile Telerman, Alain Terzian, Pascal Thomas, Giuseppe Tornatore, Serge Toubiana, Nadine Trintignant, Tom Tykwer, Alexandre Tylski, Betrand Van Effenterre, Wim Wenders.
EDIT: new names
Isabelle Adjani
Antoine Aronin
Paul Auster
Morgane Beauverger
Candice Belaisch-Goldchmit
Yamina Benguigui
Pascal Bruckner
Jessika Cohen
Philippe Corbé
Jean-Paul Dayan
Katarina De Meulder
Arielle Dombasle
Nathalie Faucheux
Corinne Figuet
Pierre Forciniti
Louis Garrel
Albert Gauvin
Johanna Gozlan
Davide Homitsu Riboli
Taylor Hackford
Isabelle Huppert
Neil Jordan
Thierry Kamami
Milan Kundera
Gaelle Lancien
Claude Lanzmann
Bernard-Henri Lévy
Sam Mendes
Camille Meyer
Patrick Mimouni
Yann Moix
Mike Nichols
Sandra Nicolier
Marie Nieves Perez Neël
Salman Rushdie
Carine Sarna
Ysabelle Saura Del Pan
William Shawcross
Olivier Soares Barbosa
Steven Soderbergh
Nil Symchowicz
Danièle Thompson
Eugenia Varela Navarro
Diane von Furstenberg
Scott Foundas
Margaret Walker
Elsa Zylberstein
Keep in mind when you watch these actors’ or directors’ movies, read these authors’ books, or wear these designers’ clothes, you are supporting a person who supports a child rapist. His victim is now in her early forties, and has been paid a financial settlement. What he chose to do to her is fact. What you choose to do is up to you.
November 30, 2009
Who Was Shaniya Davis?
I feel so horrified, angry, and heartbroken. Finishing this blog post was difficult because of Shaniya Davis’s vulnerability, and I know in my heart what happened to her could have happened to me or anyone when we were her age.
The story of this beautiful child’s victimization by her mother and pedophiles brings to light the universal myth of a mother’s love. Most adults know that not all mothers love or want their children, but they find it hard to think about this ugly and painful reality.
Like you and I Shaniya had a personality of her own, likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, and the open mind of a five-year old child full of wonder, curiosity, and silliness.
Not having much to go on, I began to think about the nature of the average five-year old girl. You probably have children of your own, nieces, granddaughters, sisters, cousins or neighbors very much like Shaniya.
Children her age like to color, play games, be tickled, read to, and ride their tricycles or bikes with training wheels. They like to eat french fries and cookies, tell knock knock jokes, cuddle, giggle, skip, dance, sing, and listen to music.
Most five-year olds watch cartoons like Sponge Bob, play computer games, do not like getting shots, taking medicine, or eating vegetables.
At this age children usually still believe in the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, witches and that they themselves are powerful and strong, and the world is full of fascinating wonders waiting to be discovered.
Shaniya has become a symbol or representative for all the blameless children who have been murdered not by monsters or evil hobgoblins; she was killed by a human being who looks no different from you or I. The fact of the matter is: She was a person very much like me.
November 5, 2009
Emotionally Drawn and Quartered
It has been over thirty years since I have seen my father, and it still cuts to the quick to know that he did not love me. I understand that he was not filled with any parental affection or lovingly attached to his little girl when he tore me up with abuse and passed me around to his disgusting cronies. He was probably not even capable of loving me; he was so full of evil, hate, and perversion. I feel crushed because my child’s heart was open and true. I sincerely adored him. Now I understand that it was not my fault and there was nothing I could do to change him, and yet I am still racked with shock and grief realizing the tremendous amount of emotional suffering he caused my innocent mind.
![Reblog this post [with Zemanta]](http://img.zemanta.com/reblog_e.png?x-id=4cbcd623-5329-48e9-93f4-e79b4c05d94e)
