March 8, 2012
Respite
Once a week I need to take a break. On that day I do nothing seemingly productive. I read, write, play with my craft supplies, pray, listen to music and the radio, search the internet, look at one of my favorite television shows Keeping Up Appearances, and of course, bake myself some chocolate chip cookies. I also think about my thinking. It seems my body and mind needs it. It allows me to function the rest of the week. I wonder if this need comes from dissociation and depression or it’s just a part of being human. Maybe it’s some of both.
November 6, 2011
A Tough Few Days
Lately, some of my kidparts have been coming to the present which is good because I have trying to make this happen, but at the same time I am in so much pain and have a lot of rage and anger, which cannot be helped because what happened to me was scary and horrible, but its hard.
I am depressed and I know it but I don’t know what to do about it. Usually if I go for a walk or book search and listen to music I feel better, but it’s not working this time. Last night I went and saw Sweet Honey in the Rock and they were wonderful. I didn’t want to go because I was feeling so low. Even after seeing those fabulous uplifting women perform I still felt down. Today I am going to spend the day burning lavender incense in bed reading and sleeping. If I don’t feel better tomorrow I’ll call my therapist.
November 4, 2011
Calling All Intelligent Researchers
There needs to be a study on menopausal women who also have a dissociative disorder and/or post traumatic stress. I am going through menopause and sometimes I don’t know if my symptoms are hormonal, from dissociation, or a combination of the two. My kidparts are going through menopause. They don’t much like being fat and sweaty. I wonder how other women in their fifties with dissociation fare during menopause. If someone does some research, I am willing to be a participant.
July 8, 2011
I Told Somebody About What Happened And Dissociation
For about ten years I have had difficulty sleeping and after trying just about every drug for sleep out there, the problem has not shown any improvement. The psychiatrist that I’ve been going to for about a year suggested that I ask my family doctor about sleep medicine because he did not know what to prescribe. For the first time I discussed abuse and dissociation with my primary doctor. In the past I have kept everything separate except that I make sure all of my doctors know all of the drugs I take.
So I did tell Dr. R that I needed help with sleep and explained to her that my problem was a result of remembering how evil my parents were and what they did to me as a child. I explained dissociation as a way out of no way. Dr. R’s reaction was interesting.
Shaking her head, and looking down as she shielded her eyes with hands, she said, “That is so sad. You are so nice. It’s hard to believe something like that happened to you.”
At least she showed some kind of emotional response.
I told her, “all of my siblings who were abused are nice.”
With fear in her eyes Dr. R then asked me “if different parts were going to come for office visits.”
“In my case,” I said, “children would probably come see you.” I explained about how all systems are different and that much of what is on television is sensation.
Dr. R. knew that people who suffer from trauma can also have PTSD. I was glad she had that knowledge. She said something that really puzzled me, “Now I have to take care of you.” Not sure what she meant by that.
She gave me a medication to try but it didn’t work. Dr. R. gave me another one which is really just temporary until I go back on the 18th.
I hope everything works out between us because I really like this doctor.
July 5, 2011
Valley Of The Dolls
When I was young this song sang by Dionne Warwick was one of my favorites. It still brings tears to my eyes because of its contemplative music and self questioning lyrics. So many times I asked myself these same questions about my mind and how it worked. I always wondered if I would ever know why. I have a few answers. For me, it was a matter of time.
| Lyrics for Theme From Valley Of The Dolls. (D.Previn/A.Previn)
Gotta |
April 15, 2011
What blows me away is
that my kid parts are able to see my adult son as their child even though they are younger than he is. How is my mind able to do that?
October 7, 2010
Dear Oprah Winfrey,
I caught your show on DID today. How many shows have you done over the years on this topic? Oprah, put DID on your list of things you don’t know for sure. To be fair, for you as for all of us, I’m sure that list is long and getting longer. But I have to say from my perspective as a person blessed with a brain that could dissociate, DID is not as complicated as it has been presented on your television show.
I will explain DID as I perceive it fully understanding that this is my experience and that other experiences different from mine are equally valid. Human beings are individuals, and human beings are the only beings known, at this time, to dissociate, so it makes sense to me that individuals would experience the dissociation process somewhat differently.
In my particular case I was severely sexually, emotionally, and physically abused from birth. I couldn’t handle the trauma without risking my physical and/or emotional safety because it was my parents and their associates who were abusing me. It never occured to me to go to another adult because my parents made sure all the adults I knew were abusers. I was afraid of all adults. In order to keep growing as a child my brain created parts in my brain that would come out and take the abuse. The part that was trying to grow and learn was not aware of the parts who were abused. Conversely, the parts that were abused were not aware of the parts trying to learn and grow as a child. Dissociation is a brain safety mechanism that saved my life. I am grateful to be here productive and sane.
My parts do not have names. They are aspects of myself as a child. It has been painful and shocking to remember all that happened to me. I am not exotic. I continue to learn and grow as the separated parts of my one brain blend into one another. That is all.
June 27, 2010
It Happened On the Way to Healing
I am starting to understand that I will be healing until the day I die and maybe after. I have DID and am beginning to be co-conscious.
After over twenty years of marriage I never expected my relationship to end like this . I was not in love with my husband and had never been. I thought he was a good guy but he just wasn’t my type. Men have a scent to them , ast least they do to me, if I find them attractive. I could not smell my husband anymore. It felt as if I had lost the ability to hear the wind or crickets. What scared me was that I was not angry at my husband. There was just an absence of any kind of attraction to him.
I was so upset I called my therapist in panic. She told me it could be a response to an argument with my husband or a result of Dissociation, but she had no concrete answers.
Then as suddenly as it began the non- emotional state blended with how I felt regularly about my husband. I usually feel passion, warmth, and irritation, among other things.
That is when I realized that a part of me never had romantic feelings for my husband. I started to be able talk to that part of myself and that part talked back. We realized that we were parts of the same person. It seems that we lived on parallel but isolated paths from one another.
Dissociation is definitely not boring.
April 5, 2010
Where Did It Go?
By it I mean the time. Today is my little brother’s birthday. He is forty-four and I can remember when he was brought home from the hospital. It does not feel like that much time has gone by and yet it has.
I still recall when older people would tell me that time would go by fast, that I needed to enjoy my youth while I had it. I didn’t believe them.
Has the time gone down a bottomless hole never to be retrieved again? It doesn’t seem that way to me. Because of my dissociation, I have such a hard time being in the present. I feel like I am always stuck in the past even when I don’t want to be. The past, the good and the bad, is still here with me. The fact is the past is supposed to be gone, forever, right?
March 18, 2010
Contamination
I have been thinking about what is appropriate to reveal of my inner self on this blog. I hope that what I write is helpful to someone out there, but on the other hand I feel that I am selfishly unburdening myself by writing about my struggles.
Since last night I have been struggling with an idea planted in my brain by my birth parents and their cronies that I am bad luck for other people and that I should always stay away from them. What is really scary to me is that I truly believe those lies in the younger parts of my consciousness.
So today I am staying in the house and I feel like I have lost my mind. I know that what I am feeling is not true, and yet I still believe it. I am very tired of this
