March 8, 2012
Respite
Once a week I need to take a break. On that day I do nothing seemingly productive. I read, write, play with my craft supplies, pray, listen to music and the radio, search the internet, look at one of my favorite television shows Keeping Up Appearances, and of course, bake myself some chocolate chip cookies. I also think about my thinking. It seems my body and mind needs it. It allows me to function the rest of the week. I wonder if this need comes from dissociation and depression or it’s just a part of being human. Maybe it’s some of both.
November 6, 2011
A Tough Few Days
Lately, some of my kidparts have been coming to the present which is good because I have trying to make this happen, but at the same time I am in so much pain and have a lot of rage and anger, which cannot be helped because what happened to me was scary and horrible, but its hard.
I am depressed and I know it but I don’t know what to do about it. Usually if I go for a walk or book search and listen to music I feel better, but it’s not working this time. Last night I went and saw Sweet Honey in the Rock and they were wonderful. I didn’t want to go because I was feeling so low. Even after seeing those fabulous uplifting women perform I still felt down. Today I am going to spend the day burning lavender incense in bed reading and sleeping. If I don’t feel better tomorrow I’ll call my therapist.
October 26, 2011
What Depression Feels Like.
“Sometimes I feel like I’m not… solid. I’m hollow. There’s nothing behind my eyes. I’m a negative of a person. It’s as if I never – -I never thought anything. I never wrote anything. I never felt anything.” - From the movie Sylvia.
March 31, 2011
ON SUICIDE Possible Triggers
When a person is suicidal they can’t think rationally. For example, when I get really depressed, I mean the kind of depression when I have no energy, no hope or joy, I am totally convinced the people I love and the whole world would be better off without me. This is a very, very dangerous place to be in mentally, because I don’t have the ability to think my way out of it.
If you ever find yourself feeling and thinking this way, you have to get help. Get help because there are people who will be LOST AND DEVASTATED FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES if you kill yourself and you may be sorry too! Keep telling people how you are feeling until someone listens to you and takes you seriously. Do it even though you don’t feel like doing it. Seriously. This is very serious. When you are feeling better and your brain has more of the chemical mix it needs, you will see that I am right and I usually am. 
August 2, 2010
New Psychiatrist
I found a psychiatrist in my area that takes my insurance. My last psychiatrist was very good. She was willing to try different medications and listen to me. She retired several months ago due to her age. She was 85 years old! Anyway I am nervous about meeting this new person( a man) but I need some adjustments in my medications so I will be able to function. Will let everyone know what happens today. Say a prayer, and wish me good luck.
Well it went ok, but I couldn’t find the place. One of the manifestications of depression for me is that I get lost easier than I used to. Mind you, I was always a little dizzy, but now it is worse than ever. I was so nervous I forget to take the address with me when I left. I figured I could find it. You know what? I did after driving around for twenty minutes.
I had to fill out 5 pages of questions on a clip board for my visit, read a patients bill of rights, my privacy rights, and promise to come back and piss in a purple cup at midnight. Ok, I’m joking about the purple cup. I was shocked to be seen on time. This rarely happens for me.
I have a male psychiatrist this time. I am so used to women. Anyway he was all business. Asked me all the standard questions. He seemed nervous to me because he kept his expression the same and he hardly moved when he spoke. Maybe he was trying to keep me calm. I keep forgetting psychiatrists are human too. Sometimes I think they forget, but I am getting off track. He told me that he did have some experience working with people with dissociation, that he was from West Virginia, been practicing sice 1990, worked at a well known local mental hospital.
I told him I was tired of being spacey and tired. He told me he couldn’t work miracle cures and I said if he could he would probably have a magic wand. In the end he increased the antidepressant that I am already on which was what I would have done, but I didn’t have to suggest it to to him, so I’m hoping it turns out for the best.
Now I am searching for the cheapest way to fill this presciption.
