September 26, 2011
Merging Along
As I merge the world looks and seems different to me. I am more consciously myself than I have ever been. Movies that I have seen before have parts that I don’t remember. It makes me wonder what else I am blocking. Well, hopefully I will find out. I finally believe some of what I have been seeing and telling myself for years. The truths I must accept now are joyful and painful.
March 31, 2011
ON SUICIDE Possible Triggers
When a person is suicidal they can’t think rationally. For example, when I get really depressed, I mean the kind of depression when I have no energy, no hope or joy, I am totally convinced the people I love and the whole world would be better off without me. This is a very, very dangerous place to be in mentally, because I don’t have the ability to think my way out of it.
If you ever find yourself feeling and thinking this way, you have to get help. Get help because there are people who will be LOST AND DEVASTATED FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES if you kill yourself and you may be sorry too! Keep telling people how you are feeling until someone listens to you and takes you seriously. Do it even though you don’t feel like doing it. Seriously. This is very serious. When you are feeling better and your brain has more of the chemical mix it needs, you will see that I am right and I usually am. 
October 7, 2010
Dear Oprah Winfrey,
I caught your show on DID today. How many shows have you done over the years on this topic? Oprah, put DID on your list of things you don’t know for sure. To be fair, for you as for all of us, I’m sure that list is long and getting longer. But I have to say from my perspective as a person blessed with a brain that could dissociate, DID is not as complicated as it has been presented on your television show.
I will explain DID as I perceive it fully understanding that this is my experience and that other experiences different from mine are equally valid. Human beings are individuals, and human beings are the only beings known, at this time, to dissociate, so it makes sense to me that individuals would experience the dissociation process somewhat differently.
In my particular case I was severely sexually, emotionally, and physically abused from birth. I couldn’t handle the trauma without risking my physical and/or emotional safety because it was my parents and their associates who were abusing me. It never occured to me to go to another adult because my parents made sure all the adults I knew were abusers. I was afraid of all adults. In order to keep growing as a child my brain created parts in my brain that would come out and take the abuse. The part that was trying to grow and learn was not aware of the parts who were abused. Conversely, the parts that were abused were not aware of the parts trying to learn and grow as a child. Dissociation is a brain safety mechanism that saved my life. I am grateful to be here productive and sane.
My parts do not have names. They are aspects of myself as a child. It has been painful and shocking to remember all that happened to me. I am not exotic. I continue to learn and grow as the separated parts of my one brain blend into one another. That is all.
November 30, 2009
Who Was Shaniya Davis?
I feel so horrified, angry, and heartbroken. Finishing this blog post was difficult because of Shaniya Davis’s vulnerability, and I know in my heart what happened to her could have happened to me or anyone when we were her age.
The story of this beautiful child’s victimization by her mother and pedophiles brings to light the universal myth of a mother’s love. Most adults know that not all mothers love or want their children, but they find it hard to think about this ugly and painful reality.
Like you and I Shaniya had a personality of her own, likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, and the open mind of a five-year old child full of wonder, curiosity, and silliness.
Not having much to go on, I began to think about the nature of the average five-year old girl. You probably have children of your own, nieces, granddaughters, sisters, cousins or neighbors very much like Shaniya.
Children her age like to color, play games, be tickled, read to, and ride their tricycles or bikes with training wheels. They like to eat french fries and cookies, tell knock knock jokes, cuddle, giggle, skip, dance, sing, and listen to music.
Most five-year olds watch cartoons like Sponge Bob, play computer games, do not like getting shots, taking medicine, or eating vegetables.
At this age children usually still believe in the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, witches and that they themselves are powerful and strong, and the world is full of fascinating wonders waiting to be discovered.
Shaniya has become a symbol or representative for all the blameless children who have been murdered not by monsters or evil hobgoblins; she was killed by a human being who looks no different from you or I. The fact of the matter is: She was a person very much like me.
October 29, 2009
There is Hope
Above is my eye witness account of a little boy uncontrollable beating himself. He was born without the ability to self regulate, and he hits himself as a form of physical stimulation. When he begins to hurt himself, caring school officials who are trained to work with him are called in to restrain.
Is this any different from the way some people beat themselves up? Those of us who were abused sometimes hear the lies of abusers in our minds over and over, and we allow their distortions to shape our realities and lives. Friends and family try to help; there are therapies and drugs, but mostly it comes down to time and understanding. Some of us, through no fault of our own, were hurt when we children. The nerons and pathways of our brains may have sustained some damage. I am thankful that brains were created with a significant amount of plasticity, and that they can change. We can learn and heal.
